Saturday, 5 March 2011


Just over a week ago I fainted just off Oxford Street. I was mortified. I fell to the floor, and the only thought in my mind as I was gravitating towards the concrete was "OH SHIT I'VE JUST HAD MY HAIR DONE..."

A very kind lady came to my rescue, at this point I was still seeing black, and mumbled something about my hair and that I was fine. Leaning over me, fussing around she started to come into view... My hero. NICKI CHAPMAN, of original pop idol fame. She picked me up and walked me to a cafe and bought me a coke, and stayed with me till I could actually walk without shaking. THANKS NICKI.

I then stumbled over to Pandora's office, feeling about three feet taller than I am. She fed me chocolate cake and I figured I had fainted because I hadn't ate all day. Stupid I know. So I went to eat, spoke to my Mum, and then it happened again. At this point it's rush hour, and I am freaking out. So I make my way home, call the doctor and they tell me to come in tomorrow.

Doc takes blood pressure, all good. Tells me it's probably stress (thanks... they love to pin it all on stress... Never mind the fact I'm not stressed AT ALL at the moment...) Naht happy. I went home, and just as I was on kitten wars laughing at cute cats, it happened again. So now I am genuinely nervous, freaking out I'm developing a brain tumour? Or epilepsy? I have no idea... So the next day I keep not stressful at all, and as I'm on the phone to Paul it happens AGAIN. And this time it's even worse, I woke up on the floor, having bitten through my lip and grazed my nose. OFF TO THE HOSPITAL... Blood sugar test, heart monitor, blood pressure, urine etc etc... All come back fine and dandy. Spoke to "holby city" style doctor, who told me to take it easy, and if it happened again I would need a blood test. BLOOD TEST?! I've managed to avoid having one of these for 24 years... So i started crying (again)... He ushered me out... Wanting to tend to the people with severed limbs... How rude.

11pm, happens again, when I'm lying down. So it's defo not fainting!? My Mum suggests it's vertigo... I look it up, and it sounds about right... So after another two dizzy spells lying down, I traipse back to the doctors. Monday morning, self diagnosis all ready... The doctors was HEAVING, and everyone was ill. I wanted to vomit right there in the waiting room. Covered my face with my coat not wanting to breathe... My appointment is 50 mins late... And she tells me it might be vertigo, so puts me on these tablets that make me a little spaced out, not in a bad way, in a "the world is great" way. Fine. By. Me. But she does tell me I have to face the dreaded blood test, and sends me back to the hospital. Crying I text my friend Marine begging her to come with me...

She lovingly obliges and meets me at Clapton. I feel weirdly calm. It's a beautiful day, I've worn a beautiful floral dress to brighten my mood, I keep telling myself it's only a blood test. We get to Homerton Hospital and make our way to the blood clinic. I turn around as soon as I see it and decide I'm probably fine. It was like an actual cattle market. "TAKE A TICKET AND WAIT FOR YOUR NUMBER!!!?!" WHAT?! No counselling before hand!!?? No private room??! Oh GAAAAD. CRYING AGAIN. Marine calms me down effectively and tells me she's already torn off my ticket so I have to get it done. She manages to sit me down. I see the ticket machine is on 76, I am number 06. PLENTY OF TIME. Not. Within 10 mins it's my turn. Marine walks in, I walk the other way. "Honestly I think it's fine.... Don't worry..." The little Phillipino nurse is amazing, not to mention hilarious. She lies me down on a special bed. I keep grabbing my arm back. Marine has her hands on my feet, as the last time I had an injection I kicked a nurse. The nurse brings in another nurse to "help." Comedy duo central. She sprays my arm with the anesthetic spray. Magical. "Do you have a boyfriend?! I bet he's very handsome..." I'm looking out the window and answering very slowly, as I figure the longer I take to reply the sooner it'll be over. And it is. I didn't even realise they had done it. Then I started violently shaking in a complete panic. Glucose shot please nurse... That's what I'd come for... So she told me to go sit in the garden just outside the blood clinic and enjoy the nice weather. I got out there and immediately called my Mum boasting about how brave I was as I had a blood test, and looked around me to see seriously ill patients, I felt horrendous. Gaining perspective on life at that second hit me hard. I had just conquered my greatest fear, yet these people were around me hadn't conquered... yet... And they were still smiling at the sun and the flowers. I then also realised that I was getting these tests for a reason. I was so focused on getting the actual test, I forgot that I had to wait for results! More news in about 5- 10 working days...

I treat Marine to lunch at the newly decorated Mess Cafe in Hackney (I prefer the old Mess myself...) for being such an amazing friend. I love you Marine.

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